There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize