She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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