she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
