Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
