....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
