Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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