Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize