I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
