I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Randomize
