okay pat passed out under dana's car
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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