When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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