she peed on how many people?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
