I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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