I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I want to fling myself into the sun
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize