Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
