the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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