gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
