I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
