About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
