And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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