i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
