Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He shit in the fireplace
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
