My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
