12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
The best revenge is premature balding
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
