I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Randomize
