i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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