so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize