you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize