They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
