do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
