I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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