I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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