this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
YAS. BRING CRAB.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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