I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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