eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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