Buhtt sex?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Randomize
