i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
