i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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