im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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