Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
