in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
