so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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