Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
