just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
