1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
