I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
