i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
