My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
