Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
