He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
