i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Randomize
