I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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