If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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