ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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