I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize