Don't make out with my wife yet
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
