When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
