It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I checked into jail on foursquare
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
