I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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