It's Friday. Sex?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
