I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I need a beard to bite.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize