i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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