Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
